When it hits


Victoria “Troya” Chavez

Victoria Chavez, Columnist

I’ve never been one to talk about my personal life. I’m that type that stays to myself. I’m that person who would rather listen to someone else’s problems than ever talk about mine. But for some strange reason as I type, it seems so much easier to talk about. Have you ever been in love? That real love where you couldn’t imagine another day without them. That type of love you would do anything to make your significant other happy, but sometimes, even giving everything to someone isn’t enough. What do you do, when the person you love, is stealing your happiness? And that’s when it hit.

I met my ex-boyfriend in January of 2016, he came into the bar I was bartending at, at that time, and the rest was history. We instantly clicked, and before you knew it, he was moving in with me, and I was in love. In my eyes, everything was perfect. All I wanted was to keep him happy, but then things started changing slowly. To keep him happy it started to include; cutting off people he didn’t want me to hang out with, staying home all day, dressing the way, he wanted me to dress, and then it hit, and when I say it hit, I mean him. The first time it was a headbutt to the head. When I asked him why he was flirting with other girls in front of me. I had always told myself if someone ever hurt me that I wouldn’t let them get away with it. Except when I was placed in that position, that’s not what happened. Instead, I put my head down and said nothing. From there it progressed, he started hiding my shoes, so I couldn’t go out. He started throwing me into walls when it took me too long to get home after work. Sitting at my bar where I worked from the beginning of my shift to the end of the shift, making sure I wasn’t talking to anyone at work. Not only was he physically abusing me, but constantly putting me down. I was too caught up in loving him and letting him treat me the way he did, I forgot what it meant to love myself. I started believing the words he told me and lost myself in his words.

Although I knew I didn’t deserve the way he treated me, I stayed because I started to feel like I didn’t deserve anything more. Because of him, I valued myself so lowly, I knew no better. I stopped laughing, I stopped smiling, I stayed home, I stopped seeing my friends, and I stopped being Victoria. I was constantly being cheated on and lied to, but I stayed because I was in love. So many people would call me stupid, and shamed me for staying, and when I say this I mean it, no one will understand unless you’ve been there. You remember the days where everything was good, you see the best in that person. When I looked at him, I refused to look at the bad. I saw him for everything he could be, and saw him for the love I knew he was capable of. But one day, after work I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. I came home 2 hours after I got off work, as soon as I walked into the house, he was already yelling. His brother was there with him, and I tried walking to our room. He pushed me up against the wall, and was choking me, his brother had to get him off me, and that’s when it hit. Why was I putting myself through this? Why was I allowing someone to steal my happiness?

It took some time after that, but I finally decided I had enough. Through tears, I had to tell the person I loved with all my heart, that he made me into someone I wasn’t. Despite his tears and “I love you’s,” I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I packed his things while he was out one day, and left them on our porch. I left for Colorado, and never looked back. Although my heart hurt, and all I wanted was him to be next to me, I knew I needed more. I deserved more.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” Every day I must remind myself of those words, and not to say that I have found myself fully yet, but it is a work in progress. No one deserves to be made to feel so low. We can escape and be happy once again. Again, I leave you with this information, UTPB Counseling and Psychological Services are offered to students. Walk Ins are welcome depending on available clinicians, as well as Emergency Services available.  Visit http://www.utpb.edu/campus-life/counseling-psychological-services for further information. Find yourself.